Aliens Are Among Us

A lot of people tend to look down on ufologists, calling us “conspiracy nuts” or “alarmists” or sometimes “Get away from me, mister!” but the time for name calling is over. For those of you out there who don’t believe the truth, I’m here to relate some personal experiences of mine that will change your mind. Aliens walk among us.

I had my first encounter about a year ago. My friend Pete and I were out tossing back some beers at this place called the Pit. Well, I guess to be factually accurate it was Zima, but Pete’s always seemed to have weird taste and at least he didn’t get wine coolers that time. Anyway, the Pit’s this, well, pit, out in the middle of nowhere where we like to go hang out because there’s no cops around. We got out there around 7:30PM on a Saturday in late November and drank until approximately 9:00. I remember the time because I checked my watch right when it started happening. It was then the aliens made their presence known.

I started getting all wobbly and had a hard time standing up. Pete was, too, because he kind of fell into me and we held each other up. I blacked out for a little bit but came to and felt like I was being dragged somewhere. I tried to talk but I think I got dragged into a wall because I blacked out again. Next thing I know, I’m laying face down on a table and something’s operating on me. I know this because of the light over my shoulder and I could feel a whole lot of tugging going on. Then I’m out again and wake up with Pete in the backseat of the car at approximately 6:00 AM the following day. I wake him up and after a quick conversation he confirms my suspicions: we were abducted by aliens!

I had a hard time staying seated on the way back in to town, not only because of the excitement but because it really hurt to sit down. After I dropped Pete off, I went home to reason this out. Both Pete and I had possibly been abducted and I had pain in an area infamous to ufologists worldwide. There was only one possible solution to this puzzle. I had been probed! I went to my doctor a little later in the morning, around 10:00 AM. As a nonbeliever, I didn’t expect him to have a complete turnaround but he did confirm that something had definitely probed me. I pressed him on it but he wouldn’t relent. I mean, what could have probed me if not aliens? Sheesh.

The next weekend, Pete and I went back out to the pit. I sat up all night but they didn’t come. Pete said we should drink but I didn’t want to miss anything this time. We went back out about a month later. Pete said that it’s possible they only come after people they’re pretty sure won’t remember so maybe we should try pretending to drink to trick them. We both had a beer and sure enough, they bought it! After we made that discovery, we started making regular trips out there. They even come when we bring other people! Last week, they abducted me, Pete, Theodore, Frankie, and Jonathan. So if you still doubt that aliens are walking among us, then meet us in the parking lot across from Male Obsession and see for yourself. This week we should get some hard evidence thanks to Pete, who suggested that we bring a video camera along and try to get some footage.